This morning I was telling Kelvin a couple of things I think I'm good at. He thought it was cute that I kept reassuring myself in different ways. I even said, "I think I'm a good mom". I surprised myself a little by saying that aloud. In the past few weeks as a new mom, there's been so many episodes of self doubt and inadequacy, so to verbally announce something so bold to the world (ok it was just us 3 in the kitchen) was a big deal.
After lunch I headed out to check Edith's weight. Despite our breastfeeding challenges and Edith's cold last week, she's been growing at the recommended average, and near the top range no less. Her weigh-in today was below average. As I walked home from the clinic I felt disappointed, and a little guilty.
What on earth was I thinking that I'm a good mom? My baby is not growing properly! I thought about all the different ways I could've and should've tried to boost her weight.
An evidence-based study this ain't, but I don't think it's easy for any mother to tell herself she is a good mother. Friends that I admire for their sacrificial love and maternal tenacity can still feel like they're not good enough. There's self doubt and sometimes guilt, for things we actually didn't do so well, or even failing to meet a standard that we think equates to good parenting.
On a day like today, when I'm not overly tired or stressed, I can reason myself out and not get caught up in the small things that measure our success as a parent. It really helps that our friends and family are there to support us. My dad keeps e-mailing me to ask if I'm getting enough sleep and of course I keep telling him "NO!". He responded with "well anyway, 'add oil'", which is a Chinese phrase of encouragement, like "you can do it / keep going!". Sometimes it's not advice that we need, but just small reminders that it's ok to experience insecurity and even failure, simply because the perfect parent does not exist.
As I look down in the carrier, Edith gives me a sleep-grin and wiggles her chubby little thumbs like she's holding a video game controller. I think she's growing, a little each day, and so am I, even if I'm not doing it perfectly.
